Pulling Forth Hope

by Niel Chuang
34 years old
Fullerton, Calif.

The year I moved from Taiwan to the U.S. for school was the darkest of my life. It was 2006 and, for the first time, I faced so much uncertainty and self-doubt. I began missing school assignments and failing courses. Quarter after quarter, things piled up until my confidence was below zero.

I didn’t have the courage to talk to my family because I felt too ashamed. One day, my brother called me 17 times. I let all the calls go to voicemail. When I finally listened to one, my brother told me, “Please stop hurting our parents.” I hit an all-time low.

I called my friend Jeff, an SGI member. He’d been reaching out to me since I moved to California. When we finally talked, I cried and released a year’s worth of suffering. He didn’t say much, but asked if we could meet in person.

I received encouragement and realized that my tendency was to compare myself to others and then always come to the same conclusion: I’m worthless. Even though I grew up practicing Buddhism, I didn’t believe I had the Buddha nature inside me.